Besar seperti badak

I have been checking out people's profiles and photos on Facebook. Seriously, Facebook-ing is stalking, to the next level. It is beyond stalking. Well, maybe it isn't so much of being a stalker, those profiles are there to be viewed. Those photos that are being put up are there to be viewed. There isn't any other reason. It is for other people to see. Be it people you know, or not.

Facebook seems to be the source to every story you hear nowadays.

Eh si anu ah, belayar ia ke Paris. Eh iawah? Di mana kau dangar? FACEBOOK.
Eh si anu sama si anu masa ani. Eh iawah? Di mana kau dangar? FACEBOOK.
Eh kau tau harga baras masa ani naik? Eh iawah? Di mana kau dangar? FACEBOOK.

Haha just kidding. Inda jua kan hal ehwal kenaikan harga baras pun masuk Facebook. But you see my point kan. It is your daily doze of social stories; be it regarding your friends, or friend of friends, or friend of friends' friends... the sentence goes on.

I will post pictures soon. Balum kamu meliat aku. Labu yo! But I don't know what my current weight is. Jara ku. Tau kamu kenapa aku jara? Cemani ceritanya.

One day kan, the thought of wanting to know my weight had hit me. I hate weight scales. They are never honest. There are some scales which tells me I am two kilos lighter, others tell me I am two kilos heavier. Scale di dapur atu sudah ku naik; barat labih dua kilo. Scale di jamban; ringan tia ku dua kilo. Confused jua ku tu.

Sekali kan, there was this weight scale that I saw. I forgot whose house it was. Lurus ni kalau ku naik, kataku. Naik tah ku, naik.

Anam puluh kilo.

Ah? Anam puluh kilo? Mimpi kah ni? Bedusta ni weight scale sebuting ani. Sedikit lagi ku kan happy tapi mustahil wah barat badanku anam puluh kilo. Ku liat dalam ceramin, anam puluh kilogram tekarang. Mun barat macam anam puluh tungkang, barangkali. Sekali apa sebenarnya nah?

I am SO heavy sampai mengandat wah the standing base and the weight spring. Banar! Mengandat! That's why it stopped at sixty atu. Stress jua ku tu. Kima punya weight scale. Cuba kamu liat, even non-living things have their own way of insulting me. Antam, baik tah ku mati nah. Haha, just kidding!

When I was younger, I used to have this second cousin who looked like me. Umur kami pun inda jauh. Nama nya dang sanak ku, inda jua kan lari mua atu kan. I even agree; we DID look alike.

So it was Raya, two years ago; when this particular cousin and his family visited our family. Macam biasa, of course everyone cerita-cerita lah. Sekali one of my aunties ada cakap and I quote - "Si Jirin sama si anu ani, dulu masa damit: sama ni muka durang. Ganya, si Jirin saja masa ani macam BADAK sudah badan nya."

Mana inda rusak weight scale segala. Badak sumbu wah ku kana sama-samakan. Hahaha. That was funny. Insulting, yes, but, funny too. Haha.

I gotta sleep now. Wassalam!

What you call memajal

I just woke up. The door bell rang, I thought it was a package from Ebay that my housemate has been waiting for. It was not. It was a man who said to me tarus-tarus that this is the time when everybody needs Jesus.

I told him I'm a Muslim, I am sorry. I was about to close the door. Please. I was only wearing boxers and the weather outside is freaking cold. I was not well insulated. Tapi memajal anak kapir seorang ani. He read me a verse from the Bible; something about Jesus died to sacrifice for mankind's sake. So I said to him, my friend, I have been taught and believe that Jesus did not die. Jesus is alive this very moment. Jesus is in heaven at this very moment. We Muslims believe in Jesus. Jesus was our prophet. Jesus is not God.

Bawa nya ku bekelayi. Katanya mun Jesus inda mati siapa tah kan menyelamatkan mankind. Sikit lagi ku kan sarcastic cakap Superman lah selamatkan mankind. Sekali he started to say things like how he has friends who WERE Muslims. He was saying something about saving ME from nonsense. Jadinya selama ani ia sukses lah membuka mata orang Islam.

You think my religion is nonsense? You think ISLAM is NONSENSE? We Muslims are taught to not criticise other religions. Especially Christianity. We are taught that Christians are the closest to Muslims.

Pandai ia diam.

"Well, if you change your mind, here's what you can attend. We have a website, please feel free to visit. I just thought I could open your eyes and save you. People nowadays do not want to listen to the Bible."

Like I said, it was cold, and I was wearing boxers. I was practically naked. Malas tah ku kan membawa ia bekelayi. Kajar-kajar ku sudah. Karau ku karang. Kalau kan ku pajal ia masuk Islam, I think ia atu kuat kali iman kekapiran nya ah. So yeah, I just took his brochure that he gave me and closed the door. Sudah di dalam, ku kuyak sejuta kali kuyak. Ku tunu lagi tu arah tambak ah. Kes mental.

Ugama ku lagi kan ku pikirkan. Atu tah lagi ugama mu kan ku selidik. Jangan tah dulu. Terima kasih saja.

That was not the first time. The last time that happened, an old couple stood right infront of me. Again, I was just wearing my boxers. Why do I always have to be in boxers when these people want to talk about religion with me? Hello - I said politely. Sekali he showed me a card which says - We are deaf. We are here to remind you about Jesus.

To tell that I'm a Muslim was a little useless because he was deaf. Teriak-teriak ku pebaik. Namanya tuli, inda ia kan mendangar; macam orang gila saja karang usul ku. So there I was playing charades infront of him; panicking macam ambuk lapar, trying to figure out the best way to symbolise 'I'm a Muslim' using just my hands. It was a good 6O seconds until I started to show how we pray, mengangkat takbir and menaruh tangan arah parut. He understood and gave a gesture which I assumed to mean - Okay. Sorry to bother you, have a nice day!

The deaf couple was nice. Inda ia membawa kelayi. Ani baru ia bisai; kapir zimmi (kafir yang inda mengacau orang Islam). Kapir yang tadi pagi atu kapir harbi; kafir yang menganggu ketenteraman kaum Islam.

Mengganggu ketenteraman ku kali tu ah. Orang tidur kali ah pagi-pagi buta ah. Wajib diperangi tu kalau ikut hukum. Pakal saja housemate-housemate ku tidur masih. Mun inda wah, kami senapang.

Anyway, kan mandi ku dulu! Assalamualaikum.

Deadline

I told you how I had lots of work to do in my last posts. Well, I finally finished my work. I didn't sleep for more than 24 hours.

It was 3AM in the morning. I still had a few adjustments to make. Last minute touch up adjustments. The project was due at 10AM that morning. So yeah, at 3AM atu kan, my lower abdomen started to feel sangal and macam ada cucuk-cucuk. Paranoid ku. Or in other words, uri ku. Aku ani lagi keturunan uri. Kawasan Appendix lagi sakitnya ani. Boh, Appendicitis ni! Appendicitis ni! Beuri ku berabis. Sakitnya inda pulang sakit banar, ganya inda nyaman rasanya kawasan atu. Karang tah ku bejumpa doktor eh kataku. Siapkan dulu keraja, antar keraja, baru mengaga hospital.

So yeah dalam pukul 7 pagi atu siap tah keraja ku. Practise presentation ku lagi tu di bilik tamu. Labang-labang ku practise. From time to time duduk ku sekajap-sekajap; pasal sangal bah kawasan pinggang kanan ku atu. Then it was time to submit my work; time for presentation.

So I reached school, went into my class and kan mengantar keraja tah ku ni. Sekali apa nah? MY DEADLINE was extended sampai tujuh hari bulan satu!

KAN MATI SAJA KU INDA MEMBUAT KERAJA AH! LITERALLY!

Anyways, cabul aku atu eh. It was definitely not Appendicitis. I think aku sangal saja pasal labih 24 jam inda tidur atu kali. Nauzubillah. Luan labih wah uri nya. Penyakit wah uri ani, I tell you.

Sekali kan, masa aku kana bagitau deadline ku kana extend atu, macam ilang tia rasa sakit atu. Macam inda bedusa-dusa wah. Sehat wah rasa ku. Hahaha. Man. Seriously? Appendicitis? Hahaha what a joke. Setan wah tu membisik. Supaya aku give up buat keraja kali tu?

It worked out for the best lah. At least now I have more time to work on my project; and dapat relax and tidur. It is official. Cuti ku start sudah!

Thank you to those who left comments on my previous post. I appreciate it all.

Hate Mail

I received an anonymous email today.

"You know how some people pretend to be like bimbos just because they think it's cute? Well, Jirin, you're like that. I'm not saying you're like a bimbo, but you keep on posting these posts where you over-react over small things; thinking that people will think it's funny. It's not, and it's getting old. I don't think you're original. You try to be funny in each post and I can't help but be sad for you."

Ouch. (It wasn't exactly like that though, I had to put in some punctuations and correct some spellings.)

I dare share that email with everyone because this blog is not about humour after all. I emphasis on exaggerating things NOT because I want to be funny. I want to bring the message across. So I say something that's really 'over' or 'too much', then it is up to you to think whether it is realistic or not.

However, I do admit, I like to make people laugh and I myself like to laugh. If I can't make people laugh, then, inda apa. I can't exactly pajal and tell people - 'Ketawa! Ketawa wah baie, ketawa! Ku cangak kau karang, ketawa wah gila!'

I might have said that I was so tired that I slept for two whole weeks; what I really meant was that I was really tired and I have slept a little longer than usual. You know, when people say 'it's raining cats and dogs', they don't literally mean hujan kucing and hujan anjing. Mun cematu baik tah hujan ayam tarus, hujan kerabau. Jangan inda alang-alang. Tampat ku di sini ani payah kan beunjar segala ayam daging ni.

When people say sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi bukit, they don't mean jadi bukit like Bukit Shanbandar, inda, they don't mean that. When people say they want to go out pakai kaki ayam, they don't mean to use chicken feet to stand on and walk around, inda. Cuba kau fikir, possible kah to stand on batis ayam? Inda kan? Unless kaki ayam mu atu basar macam kaki si Micheal Jordan. Ayam mu ganya tu basar cematu; ayam kana injik steroid. Atau ayam basar yang ampai-ampai di Kampong Tungku atu. Haha!

Speaking of ayam, I have a friend here in Kent who loves to eat ayam so much; she has to eat ayam everyday. She loves chicken stock as well. I've been to her house; I swear, tepelanting ku meliat almari di dapur nya. I have never seen that many bottles of chicken stock in my life, ever. Kalah kadai, I tell you. God knows what she does with it. I guess she eats everything with it. Maybe ia minum kopi pun campur chicken stok jua kali? But I admit, stok pati ayam does make food tasty. Tapi awas, inda bagus tu; banyak Ajinomoto. No names mentioned though, you know who you are. I'm sorry I had to share that information here. Peace!

Anyway, thank you anonymous for that email. Sadar ku jua ada orang sakit hati membaca posts ku. Awu lurus tu kau atu, ketani sebagai manusia ani mesti tagur-menagur kalau ada yang salah. Kau tagur aku, aku tagur kau balik. Ko tampar aku, ku tampar kau balik. That's how life works kan? Haha. Honestly, I am not too bothered really. This is me being 'too much'.

I told one of my friends about this and she said that it probably was Anita Sarawak who emailed me. I vow to not talk about Anita Sarawak anymore because another friend of mine told me that it's GETTING OLD (to talk about her). Pun intended. Haha. Okay, okay, it's FINAL. No more about Miss Youth, I promise.

Ironically, this is my 200th post since I started blogging in August 2005. I got to know people I never knew through this blog. It's great; it's something I will never trade with anything. Not even with a box of Indomee. Not now at least, I still have lots. Hahaha.

Happy birthday to one of my best friends: Najib Adib @ Jepp. May Allah bless you with happiness. Thanks for always being there for me. You are the best.

Good night, people. Goodbye. Forever. (Just kidding!)

Work

My facebook status and MSN nick says it. But I guess it would make it more complete if I announce it here on blogger.

I am the world's biggest procrastinator. Seriously, there couldn't have been someone else much bigger of a procrastinator than I am. I AM TELLING YOU. I AM IT. Who do I blame? Of course there's always myself to blame. Facebook. Youtube. Blogger. Dapurku. Katilku. Laptopku.

And last but not least, S-E-T-A-N.

Setan, happy tah kau ni aku pagi-pagi buta membuat keraja ani? Happy? Your job is done, I am doing my work at the last minute. Agatah kau pesta kacau orang lain lagi.

Pecaya, tadi I planned to do work at 7.00pm; sekali when 7.00pm struck, I told myself, "Tidur ku dulu sekajap eh; dalam sejam kah dua jam; supaya fresh utak masa buat keraja karang." Supaya fresh otak konon. Tarang-tarang malas, kan tidur saja kerajanya. I frickin' napped anyway. My stupid bed had to be so comfortable at that time.

So I did work bit by bit. Sekali apa nah? Lapar tia parutku. Abis Maggi kari sebungkus. Special lagi tu. Time masa lapang; time nada kan dibuat; Maggi biasa ku masak. Time banyak keraja ani pulang telarah ku membuat Maggi special campur udang campur talur campur sayur campur serunding. It couldn't have gotten any more special. It was so nyaman, sayang ku mengabiskan; I told myself to eat it slowly. There, once again, eating slowly; equals less time to do work.

Cuba kamu liat ni, mengupdate blog tepulang keraja ku ah? Sigh! Kerja gila ni namanya.

To stop myself from checking out facebook and to stop chatting on MSN is easy. Tutup saja laptop. Umban arah dinding. Abis cerita. Pakal saja laptop ani inda murah. Mun seringgit dua ringgit ganya harganya bah; ku pihit-pihit sudah ni laptop ah, ku latuk pakai lasung; ku pacah-pacah; ku gigit-gigit; ku senapang. Astah, banar. Jangan ku dicabar. (Haha, laptop wah kan ku bawa kelayi!)

Hello everyone. Aku buat keraja dulu. Banar ni this time. BANAR. (Awu, banar eh, membuat keraja. Tapi mau lagi tu melimpang sambil buat keraja. Inda besukur wah setan ani.) Coffee tah makanan asasi ku ni within the next 24 hours.

Cut me some slack, please.

Auzhubillahiminashaitannirajim.

Matters of the heart

You know, matters of the heart is so hard to understand. For one moment you think that you like this person. Once you act upon your feelings, you start to realise that you are comitting something invalid because you realise that you do not like the person that much. Hey, I like this other person instead. What am I doing? I thought.

So there you are trying to win the second person. You're doing great. Then suddenly the first person gets involved with another. You start to feel furious, and be all jealous. Confused, I am. I thought I finally realised I didn't like her that much. Why do I feel this way then?

You put on hold whatever you had with the second person by diverting it into furiousness over the first person; leaving the second person alone when suddenly the second person involves herself with an another being.

You go berserk. It could've been a win-win situation. You're back to being a lonely loser who checks out single girls' Facebook profiles.

You know, when you meet somebody new, there's that possibility that you might like them. You can't exactly say that you either like that person or not. Even if you are not attracted to the person, who knows that you might be attracted to them when you start to get to know them. Some people can be physically attracted to another, or be emotionally attracted to another, or both at the same time, or one first after the other.

I know I am not making sense here. I don't know what I am talking about to be honest. I don't even know what I'm thinking.

Portable heater

I have just purchased a portable heater for my room, and I will never feel cold ever again. This heater, in my small room, panas berabis. If you step into my room, you will notice the climate change. Panas berabis wah bilik ku ah, banar. Abis pacah segala lamak! Hehe it's like a sauna in there. Air sajuk pun jadi air suam ani wah.

Sebenarnya aku bali heater atu bukannya pasal sajuk. Like I said kan, payah kan karingkan baju di UK ani. So I did my laundry tadi and it worked like magic. Karing wah baju after a few seconds. Kan angus saja inda.

God bless Argos! Mudahan tah ko masuk Islam.

But it is freaking cold. British weather, aaaah don't get me started on British weather. When it gets too cold, I shall blog about it nanti. Give it a few weeks. Sajuk berabis ni macam inda bedusa-dusa. I shouldn't complain, really. Macam tah kuasa kerajaan British weather sini ani, kuasa Tuhan kali ah. Baik bawa beastagapar. Andangnya ni orang Brunei ani; susah komplen; sanang pun komplen jua. Panas salah. Sajuk salah.

I already have a built-in heater in the room, but the landlord is so karit, he made the heater knob fixed; so it is only panas sedikit saja. Stupid landlord. Oh I'm not going to start again. Cukup tah ku menyumpah my landlady perempuan gila in my last few posts. So, peace. Semoga kau panjang umur, murah rezeki and masuk Islam. Haha semua jua orang kan ku pajal masuk Islam ani eh! Hehe!

I went to London for the weekend. Needless to say why, because every single Bruneian here in the UK went to London for the same reason I did. It was fun. I got to meet friends I haven't seen for so long, and I also met new people. It was great. I've uploaded my pictures on my facebook! Click here.

After Sunday, I have noticed that most of the Bruneians on Facebook generally became happier. I WONDER WHY!

Speaking of Bruneians, I saw this in an office in Brunei I can't exactly recall where.

I will leave it here for you to judge. This reminds me of my post I wrote on customer service, click here, it is linked.